Ambrose Bierce

The Devil's Dictionary Ambrose Bierce

ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with sacrificial rights, all truemen engage. From women this ancient faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimesminister at the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence for the one deity thatmen really adore they know not. If woman had a free hand in the world's marketing the race wouldbecome graminivorous. ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of the meaner ambitionsdistinguishing able men from dead ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consistmainly in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is rightly appraised; itis no easy task to be solemn. ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and conduct, to beindependent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. Wherefore the lexicographeradviseth a striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell. ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discoveredtry. They soon cease to cumber; they fertili